With a little free time on my hand, I cornered some of the players over the weekend as they were doing their thing at the practice facility and around the rink. I spent the two nights before fasting, got a goofy haircut, and told them I was Rich Hammond, back for a special interview. Surprisingly, most of them bought it. I then channeled my inner Andy Murray and asked each one to complete the following sentence…
I play my best hockey when _____.
Jake Muzzin – Tries to tilt his eyebrows downward even more. Doesn’t work. Gets frustrated and walks away.
Jeff Carter – Stares at me with a scowl. I become intimidated at his awesomeness and withdraw the question.
Mike Richards – Ignores me and follows Jeff Carter.
Alec Martinez – “when Jake Muzzin isn’t playing.”
Drew Doughty – “well, you know playing your best hockey is important at this time of the year when you want to get off to a good start. We’re battling out there, battling, working hard, being hard to pay against, you know we were pretty happy with the last two games although, you know, we hoped for a better result on Friday and…”
Me: “Um, Drew?…”
Doughty: “…but we’re going to come out on Monday…Monday night and we’re going to play our system, dictate the pace and, you know, work hard to get two points in front of our fans.”
Me: “Is it amazing being you?”
Keaton Ellerby: Cries. Runs away.
Colin Fraser: “Hey, you got a question for me?”
I walk past him.
Matt Greene: “Biscuit. Basket.”
Me hugging Trevor Lewis
Me: “I love you.”
Dustin Brown: “Playing your best hockey, what does that even mean, right?”
Brown: “We got 2 points in 2 nights, Yep.”
Me: “Why do you sound like coach Sutter?”
Brown: “Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day, right?”
Me: “OH COME ON!”
Matt Frattin: “Can you help me with this helmet? It’s on, like, way too tight and it’s making my forehead look all shriveled.”
Me: “Why don’t you just get a bigger helmet?”
Me: mumbling while walking away, “…at least Penner was a good interview.”
Justin Williams: “When my hair does that cool wave, curl thing and my eyes sparkle.”
Me: “But your hair does that cool wave, curl thing and your eyes sparkle all of the time.”
Anze Kopitar: “You’re not Rich Hammond.”
Me: “Am too!”
Kopitar: “Rich Hammond is taller.”
Me: “I am not wearing skates.”
Kopitar: “Rich didn’t wear skates.”
Me: “WHY ARE YOU SO DAMN STREAKY? YOU ARE DRIVING ALL OF US FUCKING CRAZY!! HEAR ME?? FUCKING. CRAZY!!”
Security grabs me.
Me: fighting off security, “YOU KNOW WHAT CONSISTENT MEANS? MOVE YOUR FUCKING FEET! GO TO THE FUCKING NET!”
Security dragging me away.
Me: “AND YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE?? TAKE SOME FUCKING SHOTS, ANZE!! IT HAS BEEN KNOWN TO RESULT IN GOALS!!”
And now for something completely different from our friend JM Salsa…