I Play My Best Hockey When ________

With a little free time on my hand, I cornered some of the players over the weekend as they were doing their thing at the practice facility and around the rink. I spent the two nights before fasting, got a goofy haircut, and told them I was Rich Hammond, back for a special interview. Surprisingly, most of them bought it. I then channeled my inner Andy Murray and asked each one to complete the following sentence…

I play my best hockey when _____.


Jake Muzzin – Tries to tilt his eyebrows downward even more. Doesn’t work. Gets frustrated and walks away.


Jeff Carter – Stares at me with a scowl. I become intimidated at his awesomeness and withdraw the question.


Mike Richards – Ignores me and follows Jeff Carter.


Alec Martinez – “when Jake Muzzin isn’t playing.”


Drew Doughty – “well, you know playing your best hockey is important at this time of the year when you want to get off to a good start. We’re battling out there, battling, working hard, being hard to pay against, you know we were pretty happy with the last two games although, you know, we hoped for a better result on Friday and…”

Me: “Um, Drew?…”

Doughty: “…but we’re going to come out on Monday…Monday night and we’re going to play our system, dictate the pace and, you know, work hard to get two points in front of our fans.”

Me: “Is it amazing being you?”

Doughty:  “Yes.”


Keaton Ellerby: Cries. Runs away.


Colin Fraser: “Hey, you got a question for me?”

Me: “No.”

I walk past him.


Matt Greene: “Biscuit. Basket.”


Me hugging Trevor Lewis

Lewis: “Um…”

Me: “I love you.”


Dustin Brown: “Playing your best hockey, what does that even mean, right?”

Me: “What?”

Brown: “We got 2 points in 2 nights, Yep.”

Me: “Why do you sound like coach Sutter?”

Brown: “Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day, right?”



Matt Frattin: “Can you help me with this helmet? It’s on, like, way too tight and it’s making my forehead look all shriveled.”

Me: “Why don’t you just get a bigger helmet?”

Frattin: …

Me: “Seriously?”

Frattin: …

Me: mumbling while walking away, “…at least Penner was a good interview.”


Justin Williams: “When my hair does that cool wave, curl thing and my eyes sparkle.”

Me: “But your hair does that cool wave, curl thing and your eyes sparkle all of the time.”

Williams: ….

Me: “Ohhhhh”


Anze Kopitar: “You’re not Rich Hammond.”

Me: “Am too!”

Kopitar: “Rich Hammond is  taller.”

Me: “I am not wearing skates.”

Kopitar: “Rich didn’t wear skates.”

Me: …

Kopitar: …


Security grabs me.


Security dragging me away.



And now for something completely different from our friend JM Salsa…

Categories: Surly & Scribe Humor, Surly & Scribe Skits

Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

26 replies

  1. Monday=Opener=Marty
    GO KINGS GO!!!

  2. Nice video man!

  3. Cool video guys.

    OT, but I wanted to get my thoughts in quickly on the loss to the Jets.

    We’d come back, made it 4-3 late. All the momentum was on our side. The young, inexperienced Jets were on their heels. It was time to put our players on the ice, double shift the big guns, and we had a great chance to tie it. I think back to games like the disaster game 3 against the Sharks in the playoffs a few years ago, and other times teams have come back against us. The Sharks example wasn’t late like this, but they started double shifting their big guns to get momentum back and tie it.

    Even the game we came back against the Sharks last year in the playoffs, game two, it was Tyler Toffoli on the ice late in the 3rd period who drew the first penalty with his skill, and that was the difference in us winning the game, and probably the series.

    That was one time Daryl Sutter got it right. But too often, players like Toffoli don’t see the ice at all in those situations under him, because of “experience,” or “character,” or “leadership,” or I don’t even know.

    And that brings me to the Jets game. 4 minutes left in the game, we need a goal desperately, and I see Colin Fraser on the ice. I checked my eyes, rubbed my eyes, blinked a few times to make sure. He was still there.

    I was mad, frustrated, flabbergasted, but I gave Sutter the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he was still stuck on the ice from a penalty kill or something. I don’t know. It didn’t make sense but… whatever. It was just one time, I tried to look past it.

    Two minutes later, only 2 minutes left in the game, we’re desperate for a goal, we need every second we can get that’s left on the scoreboard for our top scorers to have a chance to tie the game, and guess who I see back on the ice?

    Colin Fraser. Sutter put him on the ice, no doubt about it this time, intentionally, with 2 minutes left in the game, with us needing a goal. Not Kopitar, not Carter, not Richards not even Stoll. Not even the two 4th line wingers, Jordan Nolan and I think Kyle Clifford, who had been having a decent game until then, even though they don’t have much scoring touch. But not even those two big wingers playing up with Kopitar or Carter to try to overwhelm the other team with size.

    No, Sutter put Colin Fraser on the ice for two shifts in the last 4 minutes of a game where we needed a goal. Unfuckingbelievable.

    I’m just so sick of rooting for idiots. I know it’s not just Sutter. I know other teams do this too. And I know we won a Cup, and that in a league of the blind, we’re actually a one-eyed organization, so we’re much better than most. But that’s just because “most” are idiots. These organizations are mostly run, and coached, by old time hockey players completely brainwashed by tradition and a bunch of fallacies they were taught 30 years ago when they played, that aren’t at all true today if they even ever were, but which are beaten into their heads.

    Daryl Sutter is, objectively, wrong. There are many people out there who believe in things that aren’t true. This is a fact. I just wish one of them wasn’t the coach of my favorite team. He believes, deep down, that Colin Fraser’s character and experience will help him score a goal to tie a game late. He believes that Colin Fraser’s character and experience and determination will give this team a greater chance of scoring a goal in crunch time than Tyler Toffoli’s skill, or skill in general.

    It’s very obvious through his actions that he believes this. There is no debate about that. He believes it. The only debate is whether he’s right, and there’s not much debate to be had there, either.

    Daryl Sutter is a fairly old man, and a very old-time hockey man, with beliefs ingrained in him that are simply not true. He believes the earth is flat. And don’t laugh at that because there are many people who believed that once, and probably a few who still believe it. And when it comes to hockey, that’s what Daryl Sutter believes. He’s far from the worst coach in the NHL, and he actually did a fantastic job the season we won the Cup because he DOES have strengths as a coach. However, in this specific case, he’s a complete fucking idiot, and I’m sick of it. I’m sick of rooting for, and having the fate of my beloved team in the hands of, someone who is in many ways an idiot, and who believes, in terms of hockey, that the world is flat. And there’s no denying he does.

    • I always watch line combinations. The reason Sutter puts Fraser in with 4 mins and then 2 mins left is because its his turn in the rotation. Thats what rolling 4 lines means. Its a coaching style. He values the fresher legs to a double shifted player. Idiot is a pretty harsh word. I disagree. I think its the same coach and same style that won the cup. He rolled lines 1-2-3-4 without skipping a beat. Furthermore. Its often an unheralded player like Fraser, Lewis, Greene that will knock in a rebound for a game winner in OT.

      • Flabbergasted? Thats pretty old timey dude.

      • Might get flack for this. .whatever. .Not every player can be a Kopi/ Carter/ or Dewy. Frazer gives 110% every game. It us a shame his skill set does not match his heart. He loves his profession. If I could ask for one improvement from our lesser skilled players it would be not to take the stupid penalties that result from bad reads or positioning. Watch more video. Practice the fundamentals. Easy to say from a couch :-/
        GO KINGS GO!!!

    • That old man helped bring in the first cup in team history. 4 decades +. I think that gives him A Lot of credibility.

    • I see it’s still not possible for you to write anything other than a novella to each comment. So I deleted mine that was critical of you to avoid you whining about not getting a chance to reply.

      And I also deleted the FOUR comments you made in response. Breaking one diatribe into four doesn’t get you past moderation and you are flirting with spam status. Be careful. Once I designate you spam, you go into a junk folder and your comments never see the light of day. Conquer whatever condition forces you to throw up words each time you write here

    • FYI MENSA Daryl had a full ride to Princeton. Not many idiots get a full ride to Princeton. Princeton doesn’t give out offers like that to just anyone.

      One other great aspect of Daryl Sutter is the ability, unlike you to answer a question with the least amount of words possible.

      Maybe you could learn a thing or two from this. It seems to be a problem with you, and your verbal diarrhea.

      Then again, reading anything from you, including your feelings on how Mike Richards is not that great, on some other blog you troll, this doesn’t really come as a shock.

      Big Mouth Barry you posted

      “TRADE FRASER ALREADY! Someone start a petition already because this is getting ridiculous. He should be long gone by now. What is wrong with Dean Lombardi?”

      “Other than that, what the hell is everyone smoking? Mike Richards has been getting slower and weaker every year. I agree he’s smart as hell and very clever, but he’s just such a mess physically now, every top center just skates right by him in open ice and overpowers him in the trenches. And once again this year it was reported Richards didn’t come to camp in shape ready for the season. And that’s why he had such a bad start to the year. COMPLETELY unprofessional and HURTING HIS GAME.

      He had a lot of shoulder injuries in Philadelphia, which is probably why he never hits anymore (remember when he used to go after tons of open-ice hits and totally slam guys like David Booth? He never does that anymore at all), and now on top of that he refuses to work out and get in shape, which is why he’s not as fast anymore and not as strong anymore.”

  4. Sick video JM.. The kings should hire you :)

  5. The Drew Doughty babble made me laugh. That was perfect

    Speaking of perfect, the video is tits!

  6. Why have my past 5 attempts to post failed, then when I finally get a post that goes through it has to “wait for moderation.” What is this Communist England?

    • Don’t know

      The first time anyone posts they go into moderation but after a first post they are good to go. That is how WordPress is set up. The only time I have seen your issue is if you keep posting from different IP addresses and it thinks you are someone different.

      However I haven’t seen anything of yours in moderation. I see moderation clearly on my phone and computer.

      WordPress had issues with comments a year or so ago and I wonder if it’s happening again. I will look into it

  7. I know this is off topic, but Laviolette has bee fired. Who says three games is a small sample size…wow! I guess that’s what happens when you score three goals in three games.

  8. 0:57-0:58 LOL Matt Greene showing off his hulk like strength

  9. Hey, Scrbe, what section do you locos sit in?

  10. Scott Sabourin inked a 3 year entry level contract with the Kings today. He is now officially a Los Angeles King prospect.

    Good for Sabourin and great for Lombardi and Blake to get him as a Kings prospect officially.


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