1:1: Enter Playoffs: Enter Kingbot

There are a lot of things you don’t know about me, like that I lost my virginity to a girl name Gilda who had a birthmark in the shape of Dom DeLuise masturbating on her left thigh.

You didn’t know that because it’s not true. What is true is that I am a giant child. Aside from hockey, I love comics, sci-fi, fantasy and anime. Give me monsters, give me robots, give me ogres and satyrs and demons and dragons and I’m a happy little nerd. I also have a collection that would make you wonder how I ever convince to women sleep with me.

Among that collection of robots and monsters and imaginative obscurities is a custom piece that I am quite proud of, the center of my collection. I want to share it you now, as a harbinger of playoff luck – Kingbot, the new mascot of Surly & Scribe.

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Kingbot doesn’t need a drum.

He’s not your buddy.

Kingbot cares about one thing and one thing only, the complete humiliation of all who stand before the Los Angeles Kings. He is fueled by the remains of crushed opponents. He never rusts for the tears of opposing fans lubricate his gears.

So Kingbot makes his debut, as does his beloved hockey team in these 2014 playoffs. The San Jose Shark Aquarium is a tough place to open a series but the Kings do tough. Tonight is as much about setting a tone as it is about winning. Even at its minimum of four games, it’s a long series and the Kings need to go out there and establish a few things.

- They will not play the Sharks’ game. Measured and calculated, sturdy and opportunistic is our territory.

- No extra bullshit will be tolerated around Quick. Anyone acts uncouth around our goalie and they get their throat torn out.

- If Raffi Torres so much as looks at a Kings’ head funny, he gets his fucking throat torn out.

- Joe Pavelski might as well be wearing crotchless underwear in a Bishop’s office. He doesn’t so much as breath without being molested.

- The Kings will not be baited into stupid penalties.

- Kopitar is better than everyone.

These are the things I want written in blood and stone tonight.

There are no prayers. No limericks or rhymes. There is only frothing insanity and excitement. There is only Kings hockey.

GO KINGS GO!



Categories: L.A. Kings News

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32 replies

  1. Kingbot is love. Kingbot is life. GKG!

  2. I’m totally down if you wanna build a real one of those. I may enough have an unfinished resto car to donate to the cause. Big block of course. I’m thinking garbage truck clamps to pick up opposing fans for arms. Some sort of crusher or grinder on the back. The head should open up and be able to macerate something as well. Or fire! Ya fire breathing! Not like that stupid robo car thing. Like a flame thrower. (More like Dragons breath). I can’t help you with rockets and stuff. But those would be totally awesome too.

    • Did you mean MASTICATE? I think some large, tearing, teeth would be a perfect addition! :-)

      Go Kings!!

      • In plumbing terms a macerator is a giant sewage grinder that kind of self cleans. Spinning blades and high pressure hoses that sort of thing. Key thing is the remains go down the drain. In cooking terms I think it means to soak. I think we’re going with a flamethrower anyway., but it’s up to Surly.

  3. No prayers? May the hockey gods bless Kingbot

  4. Maple Laughs have one of these.

    I’ve been chatting with Kevin Weekes one of the better anchors for NHL Tonight who is giving our Kings some Cali Love!

    He has the Kings making it to the finals to face Boston with Boston beating the Kings in the finals. Well this may be, and honestly it would be an awesome series since the left coast gets no respect and it would be a great showcase of Kopitar vs Bergeron who the better defensive forward is, along with which team is truly is the best defensive team in the NHL.

    The match up of Quick vs Rask would be epic!

    I have the same final but of course the Kings win the cup again.

  5. Ha ha! Kingbot is Suttering spectacular!

    Dude, I need to posses one of those!

  6. Wow!! “Let’s go Rangers!!!” :-)

  7. Big Genius Child you are.
    not a comic fan..was long time ago..other passions replaced..but
    Your
    Kingbot..Very Cool!
    He Fits WELL.
    KING Boys would/will Love!
    Tweet him
    GOKINGSGO!!!

  8. Just planted my ass on the couch.

    Has anyone been watching the Blues game?

    I see there has been some scoring, but more importantly has it been physical? Have they been whipping on each other?

    It’s almost time my friends.

    I have a bit of anxiety flowing through me at the moment. The first hit will remedy this problem or three oil cans might work. Ya, baby, we’re are so close!

    • If there is No anxiety You cannot be a TRUE fan..
      I am not supposed to have alcohol today. .minor surgury..but about ready to say F it..hours ago and staying calm and relaxed is the objective…some nice Aussie Shiraz will be good medicine right?
      :-D
      GOKINGSGO!!!

  9. OK, defense! Focus, focus, focus!!!!

  10. If this is our King Team we do not belong in the Playoffs :-(
    I HATE these lines..
    Just disgusted right now
    F***
    GOKINGSGO!!!

    • We’re just lulling them to sleep! We’re giving them false hope! :)

      At least there’s one good game on tonight….Come on Blues!

  11. I think I would pull Quick at this point in time. Get him out of there!

    • Yes and switch the damn lines..
      I have ZERO patience with this bullshit..geez
      GOKINGSGO!!!
      replaying Bob saying we won the Jennings trophy..pour that salt in the wound.

  12. I agree that Jones should play in the 3rd. I’m going back and forth between the other two games. Colorado just forced OT.

    The Kings are playing like they didn’t get any sleep last night, and the Sharks are playing like they had coke for dinner.

    You certainly can’t blame Quick.

  13. Alright, a little more respectable!

    • I have complained/bitched before that our Kings are slow starters..this should be addressed.
      Line changes..no suprise..sometimes us fans do know best :-/
      GOKINGSGO!!!

  14. Kingbot blows dead goats.

  15. Has anyone blamed the robot yet? Stupid robot! I was proud of the way we came back. It seemed like we unravelled after the run on Quick. If I know our goalie, he will be pretty pissed, and may not allow 5 more in the series. Trying to keep it light. I couldn’t have been more disappointed in the two losses in STL to start the playoffs last year, and that turned out okay. GKG \X/ hate Sharks, HATE!

    • Beat you by 13.5 seconds.

      But yeah, on the running of Quick. Frick, I know we want to avoid stupid penalties and whatnot. But they just ran over Qucik and you have Clifford and Nolan on the ice. Somebody has to bleed.

      • I was one of the guys who wondered which Kings team was going to show up in San Jose tonight. Well, we found out; didn’t we? Fortunately, they seemed to gain a little momentum near the end of the game. I hope that carries over to game two. They are only down one game, but I think they need to take game two. It won’t be a good thing to be down two games. We need to show them who’s the boss!

  16. Just a few comments on the game:

    Watching AMart & Regher in the first was like watching gay porn while wearing granny panties. Just sad. Add Mitchell to the list of Kings players that wasn’t ready at the drop of the puck.

    Focus Drew, focus…

    JQ you gave up a goal to Raffi. Raffi frickin Torres.

    Toffoli, these are are the playoffs. Expect the hit. Provide the hit. Oh, and roof it!

    Richards be Richards or go home. We only have 4 lines. You can’t play on the 5th.

    Thank you MJ for coming in and waking up the sleeping giants. Fuck the bunny. Sunday is for the King of Kings.

    GKG

    • Repeat Kings are SLOW starters and this MUST be Addressed.
      Team game..team effort and first 40 lack of…
      Willie is a fav of mine
      .while he certainly is lacking speed these days..you will see he is a flea on a dog (shark) I want that in my D men.
      We rallied..that showed Character.
      My take on the Empty Net. Not a Fan. Especially when
      1) we have not been playing great with a man advantage.
      2) we end up with all players not 100% focused on offense because they know the net is unguarded.
      damn…
      GOKINGSGO!!!

  17. What a stupid fucked up game that was.

  18. The PP was absolute dogshit.

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