There are a lot of things you don’t know about me, like that I lost my virginity to a girl name Gilda who had a birthmark in the shape of Dom DeLuise masturbating on her left thigh.
You didn’t know that because it’s not true. What is true is that I am a giant child. Aside from hockey, I love comics, sci-fi, fantasy and anime. Give me monsters, give me robots, give me ogres and satyrs and demons and dragons and I’m a happy little nerd. I also have a collection that would make you wonder how I ever convince to women sleep with me.
Among that collection of robots and monsters and imaginative obscurities is a custom piece that I am quite proud of, the center of my collection. I want to share it you now, as a harbinger of playoff luck – Kingbot, the new mascot of Surly & Scribe.
Kingbot doesn’t need a drum.
He’s not your buddy.
Kingbot cares about one thing and one thing only, the complete humiliation of all who stand before the Los Angeles Kings. He is fueled by the remains of crushed opponents. He never rusts for the tears of opposing fans lubricate his gears.
So Kingbot makes his debut, as does his beloved hockey team in these 2014 playoffs. The San Jose Shark Aquarium is a tough place to open a series but the Kings do tough. Tonight is as much about setting a tone as it is about winning. Even at its minimum of four games, it’s a long series and the Kings need to go out there and establish a few things.
– They will not play the Sharks’ game. Measured and calculated, sturdy and opportunistic is our territory.
– No extra bullshit will be tolerated around Quick. Anyone acts uncouth around our goalie and they get their throat torn out.
– If Raffi Torres so much as looks at a Kings’ head funny, he gets his fucking throat torn out.
– Joe Pavelski might as well be wearing crotchless underwear in a Bishop’s office. He doesn’t so much as breath without being molested.
– The Kings will not be baited into stupid penalties.
– Kopitar is better than everyone.
These are the things I want written in blood and stone tonight.
There are no prayers. No limericks or rhymes. There is only frothing insanity and excitement. There is only Kings hockey.
GO KINGS GO!
Categories: L.A. Kings News