Here we are men, only two days ago, our Los Angeles Kings won their second Stanley Cup. It’s Sunday now and while the elation and validation is still spinning in our hearts and minds, those around us who love us want to pour more joy into our Cup full of delight.
As I usually do, I thought about our readers first and foremost and Dreeeeeeew from my own wisdom to bring you these tips and tricks that are sure to keep your day great and you out of trouble.
1. When your wife or girlfriend asks if you want to “do it”, she’s probably not referring to watching Alec Martinez’s 2OT goal.
Bonus Tip: If you’ve been married for a while, “doing it for old time’s sake” is not watching game 6 of the 2012 Stanley Cup Final.
2. “Jazz Hands” are a perfectly acceptable expression of love when you have her from behind but in the missionary position or when she’s on top, it could become too much of a good thing.
3. Spontaneous expressions of “WOO! FUCK YEAH!!” may seem totally normal to you when you think about Friday night but are best followed with “I LOVE MY FAMILY!” just to soften the delivery.
Bonus Tip: This works just as well, if not better, when you suddenly break into tears for the same reason.
4. While this video is not a substitute for sex, it most definitely qualifies as foreplay for the next three years. THIS however is a substitute for sex…I mean, come on, YES! YES! YESSS!!…that’s exactly how I sound, don’t you?
5. To avoid offending those around you who picked up sweet greeting cards, have your wife or kid read them out loud and nicely explain that it’s not because you don’t appreciate their love but it is hard to focus right now when your mind reads everything put in front of you as “We won the Stanley Cup Again!”
6. If she’s struggling to get in the mood, this should work a hell of a lot better than any porno you could buy.
Bonus Tip for the Ladies: Just before orgasm, “Oh Cartsy!” doesn’t have to be kept under your breath. For the next few weeks, we will totally understand.
7. If your wife is one of those who just lays there during sex, it is perfectly normal for you to get flashes of Henrik Lundqvist...while I don’t have a solution for this problem right now, I just wanted to provide my support.
We Won the Cup AGAIN!
Categories: Surly & Scribe Humor