Drew Doughty has been found...actually he hasn't been found of anything. The L.A. District Attorney's Office has decided not to prosecute based on "insufficient evidence." That's good because prosecuting people for having consensual sex would leave a bad precedent and get a lot of us in trouble...present company included. So what does Drew do now? He celebrates. I put myself in his skates … [Read more...]
Top 10 Ways Drew Doughty Will Celebrate Now That The District Attorney’s Office Won’t Charge Him
July 18, 2012 By
Top Ten Punishments Patrick Elias Deserves for Stealing the L.A. Kings Puck
June 27, 2012 By
So, Mr. Elias has admitted to the obvious, that he picked up the Stanley Cup winning puck at the end of game 6. He has also claimed to suffer from amnesia, pleading a case of the "I dunnos". Maybe he left it on the bench, maybe it's in his locker, maybe the natural sewage infused into his skin from years of playing in Newark disintegrated the puck when he touched it. This asshole stole our puck … [Read more...]
Top 10 Things JT Dutch Will Do If Quick Wins The Vezina
April 8, 2012 By
The following list was written last Wednesday in a fun attempt to draw reader JT Dutch out from the shadows in which he had lurked for about a week or two. We love JT (in that Mr. Wilson to Dennis the Menace kind of way) and this place always gets a little duller when he takes his ball and goes home for a time. He came out of his hiding all on his own though after last Thursday's upsetting loss … [Read more...]
Top 10 Ways Rick Nash Can Drive Scott Howson Crazy In The Next 24 Hours
February 26, 2012 By
This morning, my thoughts fell on Rick Nash. He makes $7.5 million this season (cash, not cap) and will make progressively more money for the next six. He currently plays for the seventh circle of hockey hell. He's not having any fun. So I thought, "what would I do if I was Rick Nash?" As my brain bounced from "get a better haircut" to "date super models", the answer came into focus - mess with … [Read more...]
L.A. Kings vs Winnipeg Jets Open Forum & A Cup Check Doughty Inspired Top 10
December 29, 2011 By
Kings vs. Jets. It just feels right to write it again. For far too long, every time I heard the team name "Jets", I immediately tuned out because I assumed there was a football (you know, that sport where there is 13 minutes of action in 3 hours) discussion about to take place. No more! The Winnipeg Jets are back and the Winnipeggers couldn't be happier about it. They are a loud and … [Read more...]
Top 10 Goods Or Services S&S Will Offer Drew Doughty If He Signs Before Camp
September 15, 2011 By
Since Surly & I don't have the sufficient millions to offer, we came up with the second and third best thing to provide Drew Doughty if he signs before camp...unfortunately, we both realized that sex (#2) with Drew really doesn't work because neither Surly nor I are of that persuasion (not that there is anything wrong with that) and giving Drew drugs (#3) seems counterproductive to a great … [Read more...]
TOP 10 REASONS STEVE TAMBELLINI IS BEING A PRICK
June 25, 2011 By
So, the LA Kings have a deal worked out with the Oilers regarding Ryan Smyth. A 4th (or 5th) + Gilbert Brule's salary before he is bought out. It hits a snag. Why? Because Steve Tambellini and the Oilers haven't submitted the necessary paperwork to clear Brule so Lombardi can turn around and buy him out. Now, ask yourself this - why the hell does Brule even need to be in this deal? It's not like … [Read more...]
TOP 10 REASONS MURRAY KEPT HIS HANDS TO HIMSELF
April 26, 2011 By
What do you do immediately after you win a playoff series? Well if your name is Devin Setoguchi or you are a 12 year old girl, you bust out your phone and tweet away. Setoguchi's tweet, which I wont post here because my feelings on twitter go something to the effect of 'fuck twitter', drew attention to the fact that Kings' coach Terry Murray did not go through the handshake line at center ice … [Read more...]
TOP TEN WAYS L.A. CAN STEAL THE KINGS v. SHARKS SERIES
April 11, 2011 By
10. While the Kings have the puck but unable to get shots on net, David Courtney belts out over the mic "LOS ANGELES GOAL! His 26th goal and 2nd of the game, AN-ZE KOPITAR!" In the ensuing Sharks' confusion, all five Kings drive to the net and bang it home on the third attempt after missing the net two additional times. 9. Terry Murray fakes an epileptic seizure and falls on the ice during the … [Read more...]
TOP 10 THINGS YOU CAN DO TO ALLEVIATE THE STRESS AND FRUSTRATION OF LOSING
January 19, 2011 By
Losing streaks wear on mind and body. They weaken our faculties and reinforce our negativity. Id overwhelms ego. If you let yourself fall victim to the torments of feeling your heart shatter game after game, one goal loss after one goal loss, you will soon find yourself to be no more than a sputtering engine, with flat tires... made of vegetables... drooling crude oil and crude remarks... … [Read more...]
TOP TEN REASONS ILYA KOVALCHUK SHOULD WEAR THE “C”
January 7, 2011 By
Surly and I have conferred and we have come up with compelling reasons why Ilya Kovalchuk should wear the C for the New Jersey Devils now that Jamie Langenbrunner is a Dallas Star. We are preparing to send this to Lou Lamoriello at his email address of lou@itwasvanderbeek.com 10. Captain starts with C. Cash starts with C 9. He has arguably led the Devils to their demise and, hey, that … [Read more...]
TOP TEN THINGS OVERHEARD AT THE NEW JERSEY DEVILS’ HOLIDAY PARTY
December 12, 2010 By
The New Jersey Devils and their 8-19-2 record are taking a well-earned day off for their annual holiday party. Surly and I met and talked last night about my infiltration therein and I am happy to report that the angry Lou Lamoriello mask worked well. What really sold it though was walking around with a constant face twitch while mumbling "$100 million...$100 million...$100 million..." So, without … [Read more...]
WINNING CURES WHAT AILS YOU
November 27, 2010 By
Surly and I polled 100 medical school drop-outs (we couldn't get any actual doctors to speak with us) and 99 of them agreed that winning is the best known cure for the following top ten ailments suffered by Kings' fans during the past six games... 10. Sudden and uncontrolled cursing in response to anyone named Dwight 9. Chipped front teeth and unexplained imprint of said teeth on remote … [Read more...]
TOP 10 THEORIES WHY ILYA KOVALCHUK WAS A HEALTHY SCRATCH
October 23, 2010 By
Surly & I have been known to theorize from time to time. So when we heard that Ilya Kovalchuk was a healthy scratch tonight against the Sabres (a game the Devils lost 14 to 1...ok, 6 to 1), our brains started moving...I am convinced one of these is the actual reason: 10. Kovalchuk asked Lamoriello if it was too late to accept the Kings' offer. 9. Ilya reminded MacLean that playing … [Read more...]
TOP 10 CANADIAN MISCONCEPTIONS ABOUT CANADA DAY
June 30, 2010 By
From Wikipedia: "Canada Day (French: Fête du Canada), formerly Dominion Day (French: Le Jour de la Confédération), is Canada's national day, a federal statutory holiday celebrating the anniversary of the July 1, 1867, enactment of the British North America Act (today called the Constitution Act, 1867), which united two British colonies and a province of the British Empire into a single country … [Read more...]
THE TOP 8 QUESTIONS LAKERS FANS ASK KINGS FANS
June 18, 2010 By
Why 8? Because 2 of them were turned over and set on fire during the riots. 8. Who's the statute of the short white guy waving? 7. Where do they get all the ice for the hockey games? There isn't a liquor store for like 2 miles. 6. So, when you win a championship, call us up. We live real close and we'll show you how to riot and shit. 5. How do you tell your players apart without … [Read more...]
TRAVEL TIPS II: CANUCKS’ FANS COMING TO L.A.
April 18, 2010 By
We gave our LA faithful travel tips for their trip to Vancouver here. Now, it is time to help our north of the border friends adjust to Los Angeles. The lakingsnews.com travel council offers the following advice: 10. The straggly looking homeless folks offering tickets are actually with the team and would appreciate you buying them a drink. 9. "Ese" is a variation of "eh" and it is also best … [Read more...]
Top 10 Other “Amazing” “Coincidences” Scott Howson Should Know Are Neither
Boy oh boy. Nothing like communicating something really stupid and then realizing it was stupid, followed by realizing you wrote said stupid for the world to see and then scrambling to remove stupid except to find that someone smart took a screen shot of stupid. The most interesting comment is of course: "It is an amazing coincidence that with the Kings on a power play at STAPLES Center … [Read more...]