Click on the link and enjoy.

I chuckled.

There is talk, rumors, probably bullshit for a variety of reasons, that Dean Lombardi has talked to the Tampa Bay Lightning about Ryan Malone and is dangling Jonathan Bernier as a return. A thanks to Matt Barry for bringing this rumor to our attention (although he did not originate it).

From said probable bullshit article, we get this:

Kings GM Dean Lombardi — reluctantly pushed into a ‘win now’ mentality by virtue of a $63 million payroll that contains underachiever Dustin Penner and injured veteran Simon Gagne, combined with pressure from ownership to have a deep playoff run — may be forced to break up the young goaltending tandem sooner than he wanted.

Ryan Malone is still a good hockey player. He is also past his prime (32 years old), is often injured, and is a used band-aid on the L.A. Kings left wing wound. I don’t give a damn how gritty he may be or that he may use his size well. I will stipulate he will help the Kings this season. None of that makes this trade a good one.

Any trade between the L.A. Kings and the Tampa Bay Lightning that brings Malone here and sends Jonathan Bernier there, even if it includes a draft pick back to us, is a mistake in both the short-term and long. To this L.A. Kings fan and thousands of others, I assure you “I was reluctantly pushed” or “we needed to win now” will fall on deaf ears and will elicit our wrath and demands for Dean’s termination. The days of the L.A. Kings selling off young assets for aging veterans to help now while hurting our future are over if AEG wants the continued support of its core fan base, Surly & I included.

Good hockey trades like that of Mike Richards for Wayne Simmonds and Brayden Schenn that address the short-term and long-term needs of both teams are welcome with open arms. I do not regret that trade. There is always risk there for both teams but it is calculated. Wayne Simmonds is a solid hockey player and I am thrilled that he is doing well in Philadelphia. He regressed here because of Dean Lombardi’s unwise coaching decision with Terry Murray and firing Murray one season too late. Put a good player in a position to succeed and he often does. Put him in a position to fail (pit him against the opposing team’s top lines night in and night out and then demand increased offense under a system like that of Murray’s) and he will fail to meet the unreasonable expectations.

But a trade for Ryan Malone or any player of his age or status for one of our young top-tier players, especially a goalie, will show Dean Lombardi has either lost control or lost his mind.

If we make the playoffs and lose in the first round because of our weakness at left wing, then I expect Dean Lombardi to aggressively address that in the offseason. If the “hockey deal” is not there before the deadline, I expect Dean will do nothing or make a depth move. I will not throw my hands in the air and demand Lombardi be fired if we don’t go deep into the playoffs this season. I will do so if he trades for Malone or makes a similar move at our significant expense. I will do so if he again fails to address the left wing need in the offseason. Six years is enough time. The overzealous focus on building from the back-end has to stop. Thomas Hickey was a mistake. Colten Teubert was a mistake. Derek Forbort will likely be a mistake. Stop making 1st round mistakes. Do not compound them before the trade deadline.

Thanks to our talented reader, Paul Wellar, for the video.

6’0″, 191 pounds, 26 years old
Left Wing, A left handed shot

An Alberta boy, drafted 2003, 3rd round (74th) overall by the Buffalo Sabres.

Contract:

He is signed to a $3.25 million dollar per season contract this season and next.

Statistics:

Here is a link to Clarke MacArthur’s career stats.

Analysis:

He was an all-star in juniors, won a AJHL championship with the Drayton Thunder and a league championship with Medicine Hat of the WHL. MacArthur was also a member of Canada’s gold-medal-winning squad at the 2005 WJC. You know that Dean Lombardi likes those “winners.”

A career .145 is a damn respectable shooting percentage. One could argue that is “elite” status. By comparison, Anze Kopitar is .121, Mike Richards .116, Justin Williams .093, Dustin Penner .127, Simon Gagne .128, Jarret Stoll .094, and Dustin Brown is .101. Here is something that may blow your mind. His shooting percentage this season is .167. This kid can bury the biscuit.

At 26, he is entering his prime. The book on him is he is a good skater, has a great shot (read: snipe), can get open but can be streaky. I don’t know much about his physical and checking ability. Everything I have ever heard about him is that he is an offensive minded left wing.

His contract is a bit steep. Then again, much of this depends on whether or not we keep Jarret Stoll. MacArthur isn’t a “rental” in the literal sense. Many thought he was a steal when the Toronto Maple Leafs scooped him up after the Atlanta Thrashers (RIP) walked away from his arbitration award. He had 21 goals and 61 points last season on a below average Leafs team. He has missed some games with upper and lower body injuries this season. I am getting the sense he is in Ron Wilson’s dog house.

According to Darren Dreger, the Leafs are looking to dump the contract and may only want picks or prospects going the other way. My suspicion? The Maple Leafs are looking to make a bigger move and Clarke’s contract is in the way. If that is not it, one has to wonder if they would take Jarret Stoll who, one could argue, is an older version of MacArthur at center. Jarret’s contract is up after this season so the Leafs would get a player who can arguably help them this season without a commitment beyond while the L.A. Kings can get that much needed help at left wing. If it is picks and prospects, so long as Dean Lombardi does not overpay, we have that – would Alec Martinez and a 3rd do it?

What do you kids think?

Here is some video while you decide. I did laugh at the first video…er, foreshadow?

That is the goal of every forward, especially the wings, when the Kings have the puck and are shooting from the point.

Ass in the goalie’s face to be specific.

On the first line, that is Dustin Brown. On the second, Dustin Penner. On the third, Brad Richardson. On the fourth, tonight, it was a rotation of all three forwards in Kevin Westgarth, Colin Fraser & Kyle Clifford. Not a coincidence that line dominated.

I haven’t done a post game in the recap format for a while and this game earned it.

The L.A. Kings first period goal came exactly as described, above. Colin Fraser provided the screen, with honorable mention to Kevin Westgarth for general havoc, during a Willie Mitchell point wrist shot. That first goal wouldn’t have happened without Kyle Clifford’s hustle to the puck along the boards.

Most encouraging in the first was the play of the bottom three lines. Mike Richards had jump as did, gasp, Dustin Penner, at least for a little while. The third line of Richardson, Loktionov & Lewis maintained their fore and back check. The fourth, in addition to scoring the only period goal, sustained pressure when they had the puck and were checking everything in sight. Most discouraging was two wasted powerplay opportunities where the Kings struggled to even enter the zone.

The second frame giveth another man advantage (aka “boob”) but an efficient boob it was not. 0 for 3 by this point and 1 of 13 in the last several.

Some guy named Mo Williams was in the crowd…No relation to Justin. Apparently, he plays for a San Diego sports franchise. I am assuming that based on the team name of “Clippers”. Fuck off.

At the 8:52 mark, I leapt out of my seat as the fourth best line of Clifford, Fraser & Westgarth struck again. Kyle popped it in after a he took the initial shot, Fraser and Westgarth crashed and Cliffy found himself all alone with the puck to the right of Anderson without a Senator within molesting distance.

Can we all agree that referees, Dan O’Rourke and Tim Peel are morons? Jarret Stoll is crashing the net, he makes ZERO contact with Anderson, is in a stopping motion, Anderson then throws his flippers at Jarret and we get the interference call? Win or lose, each game, there is one bad, idiotic or phantom call. Tonight, there was more than one. I hope this improves by playoff time.

The Kings killed the disadvantage (barely) and Drew took a…well, he did his impression of a rag doll on a hit or be hit by Greening. Is that right, the dude’s name is Greening? That is an unfortunate name. Drew responded a couple of shifts later when he put on a show at the 3:44 mark with a left deke at the blue line, right deke and shoulder fake between two Senators and a shot on goal from below the hashmarks. No goal but another boob, er, powerplay. Drew had a solid game.

Since we have sucked 5-4, the zebras gave us a 5-3 and Jack Mother Fucking Johnson BURIED it with a one-timer from the inside of the right circle…the kind of goal on a set play for which I have begged, pleaded, beseeched and screamed during the prior coaching era. Dustin Brown provided the requisite ass in face.

Down 3-0, I bet the Ottawa Senators were real angry, right Rich? But they were angry coming in so they must have been flipping out by this point. Referee Tim Peel, a man with a clear sense of humor, double downed on that rage by making an awful, AWFUL penalty shot call. He thought Chris Phillips covered the puck in the crease when he did no such thing. It wasn’t even a close call. Trevor Lewis felt terrible and offered Anderson a puck…in the back of his net with his soon to be declared patented head, shoulder, scrotum fake that left Craig Anderson flopping, down and out. Trevor Lewis – offensive juggernaut. Imagine if he had TWO of those moves, one for each side.

FOUR!

Fun.

FOUR!!

Twenty shots in the second period.

FOUR!!!

None by the top two lines.

FOUR!!!!

And we still had a period left.

Alex Auld replaced Chris Anderson in net for the Senators. Didn’t we have a goalie named Auld? I don’t think it was this one. Did you know Alex Auld has played for 8 different teams in the past 8 seasons? I looked that up. Well, he has played for Ottawa twice in that time span but they were two different Ottawa teams.Mike Richards received the early “I am sorry, I fucked up that call, here is a make up one and best of luck” from the refs and gave the Senators the powerplay with which they did nothing. So the zebras gave them another…and they scored, the bastards, some hack named Daniel Alfredsson who I wish was a King. And another, what we can kindly call a”phantom.” Apparently, 3 wrongs make a right up your ass, you incompetent baboons, Dan O’Rourke and Tim Peel, go get a job as a Walmart greeter!

Where were we?

Kings win 4-1.

58 points. We are tied with the San Jose Sharks for first place in the division and are 7th in the conference, 4 points ahead of Colorado and 4 behind Nashville.

Scribe’s Three L.A. Kings Stars:

3. Colin Fraser

2. Trevor Lewis

1. Kyle Clifford with the Gordie Howe Hat Trick.

Happy Chinese New Year…the Year of the Dragon.
轉到國王！

The Kings have one game left before an eight-game All-Star break, and it won’t be an easy one. The Ottawa Senators have been one of the surprise teams in the NHL this season. They’re averaging three goals per game — imagine that — and, of late, they’ve received some outstanding goaltending from Craig Anderson. The Senators have a 10-2-1 record since Dec. 27, and they’re also going to be coming into Staples Center mad, given that they were handed a 2-1 loss by the Anaheim Ducks yesterday. Not exactly the best situation for the Kings, particularly given that the Senators hadn’t lost a road game in regulation since Dec. 1. Justin Williams said he’s aware that the Kings will face a significant challenge.

Remember what I wrote before the recent game against the Vancouver Canucks where I declared that no loser talk was allowed?

That sentiment applies to this game as well, as it does to Rich’s express concern that the Senators are “coming in mad”, whatever the hell that means to our preparation and focus.

What the Senators are coming in is hot. They are a high scoring team. They’re fast, physical and, as Rich points out, getting top-notch goaltending.

To all of those things, I however could care less. You could apply those accolades to any good team in the league. Hell, I am sure opponents have said that about us since Sutter came aboard and given our performance during some of those games.

The point is winners don’t worry about their opponent’s preparation or purpose. They care about their own. The L.A. Kings have all the tools to beat any team on any given night. Their aggressive forecheck and neutralize zone pressure, superior defense and all-star goaltending can, at times, dominate and, at minimum, keep us in games.

If we want this game more than the Senators, we’ll win.

If not, we won’t.

I like a lot of what Darryl Sutter has done. The boys don’t have the excuse of a one-dimensional offense that hinders their ability to create, nor do they have the chemistry claim. Sutter is keeping the lines together but for a Westgarth substitution tonight. Jarret Stoll, Dustin Penner and Mike Richards have to be better hockey players on both ends of the ice. Drew Doughty, Jack Johnson and Matt Greene have to be smarter on defense. If they all are, we attack with depth, defend with depth and win with depth. If they don’t, see the Colorado Avalanche game for expected results.

Times like these call for drastic measures. Times like these call for Kevin Westgarth.

For once I don’t laud Westy’s insertion into the lineup entirely sarcastically. My bemusement is twofold. Ottawa is tough. They have more than their fare share of goons, thugs and generally unpleasant assholes. Also, Trent Hunter, who Westy is replacing, is less useful than the slab of meat in a cold locker that people like Westgarth use for training purposes. Westgarth has actually been a fairly decent player in what few games he has had this season. Hunter we expect to score though he doesn’t bother. We expect less from Kevin and by simple virtue of perspective we are therefore happier with him in the lineup. Relativity is our friend.

So there you have it. Westgarth will play and we will win. Completely relatable, linear facts.

But seriously folks, what Kings team will show up tonight? The one that drives the forecheck and crashes the net like a drunken redneck forces open a glass beer bottle with his mangled teeth, exposed roots and pain be damned? The team that puts a crispness on passes that would make the finest iceberg lettuce jealous? Or the team of late, the one that shies away from the blue paint like a Canadian broadcaster skirts around responsibility for losses, the limp dicked, limp wristed Nancy’s that let Calgary’s archaic defensive system suffocate them and Colorado line up their teeth on a curb and stomp their necks with fruity colored galoshes?

Let’s hope for the former. Tonight my focus is on Richards and Doughty. I expect rebound games from both as I demand they be ashamed of themselves for their lack of difference making.

The Senators are on a roll. 7-2-1 in their last 10 games. Sounds like a team that needs to be taken down a notch or two. Perhaps for once we won’t be the team that takes their opponent less seriously than they should. San Jose is finally losing some games, time for us to start winning ours.

OK, your turn.

GO KINGS GO!

Answer: Many. No joke. There have been a bunch. More than you think. I am obsessed with him. Just plain head over heels. More than any other pending UFA, ever.  I know, it’s insane right? It goes on forever. We have tried to keep a sense of humor about it.

As the New York Post article confirms:

Parise makes $6 million (he will make more in his next contract).

The Devils can’t make payroll.

The NHL will be paying New Jersey’s debts.

New Jersey is weighing trading Zach for picks.

Ilya Kovalchuk called and screamed at his agent for getting him in this mess…ok, I made that part up but I bet Ilya is as nervous about the team that owes him $100 million making good as Washington Mutual was about loaning $1.1 million for all of those 1200 square foot condos in Culver City, eh? What happened to Washington Mutual? Exactly. But hey Newark has good schools…Culver City’ s suck.

After practice today, coach Darryl Sutter was asked if there’s been any message to Bernier, in terms of staying prepared?

“That’s his job,” said Sutter. “We have one season that’s done on Monday or Tuesday (referring to the upcoming break in the NHL schedule for the All Star Game). Then, another one starts a week after that. That’s the only way I look at it. I’m not about anything other than getting the max out of everybody. If the players have to stay ready and sharp in practice, that’s going to be there problem, not mine. He’s been fine though, he’s been awesome. What more do you want? Obviously he probably wants to play more. But, it’s about winning games right now. We’re in a playoff battle. When he goes in, he better look at like it’s game seven.”

Do you have a rough plan for the goalie rotation?

“I think everybody that has an ace does that or tries to. But, very seldom does that hold. Especially in a year where our team gets a seven day break. So, that’s what you have to try and manage. Quite honestly, we have 32 games left after the break and we have six back to backs and a lot of road games. So, you have to think that he’s going to play more than he did in the first 50 (games).“

In law school, you learn that a contract requires an offer, acceptance and consideration. Consideration means something of value that is bargained for exchange. When this trinity comes together, you have a meeting of the minds or, if you prefer Latin as I do, consensus ad idem.

Darryl Sutter has made an offer.

“OBJECTION!” you may proclaim. “There is no such offer, Scribe! He merely implies Jonathan Bernier may get more games.”

First, fuck off.

Second, we have an implied contract. Sutter has implied he will play Bernier more post All-Star Break. I have implied that if he fails to do so, I may become angry and suddenly and without notice take unkindly to his unintended quips that smell of shit and sheep. Two implications make an express agreement. The mob is fickle. Around these parts, they are also dangerous.

Jonathan Bernier gets a minimum 20% of the remaining games or we enforce our contractual rights through an assault of apoplectic prose…and it can start on Monday against Ottawa.

GO KINGS!

Instead the Kings lost in regulation for just the second time under Darryl Sutter, once again managing just a single measly goal for the second consecutive game. It wasn’t pretty and Jonathan Quick’s only birthday surprise was 2 minutes added to his penalty record.

One could say that the lack of offense killed the Kings once again, nothing new for this season. They did after all control their fair share of the game if we just forget the first period ever happened. Had they not been unwillingly to shoot on a late third period powerpla… Sorry, boob, perhaps this game goes to overtime tied 2-2. One could just say J.S. Giguere was on point tonight, which he was, suffocating chances in that tiresome style of boring play with which we are all too familiar. One could also say energy was an issue, as Jim Fox repeatedly did during the telecast. One probably should say that.

But I prefer to say that sloppy play in the defensive zone did the Kings in tonight much like it did against Calgary on Thursday. Limp wrists led to limp dicks. An inability to put that extra little zip on the puck at the end of a pass or a dump down the ice caused ample turnovers. The Colorado Avalanche raised no objections.

I’m not going to harp on any one player. This was a team loss. Nevermind, I want to harp on Jarret Stoll. I was so happy in the third period when Sutter demonstrated a coaching style that we rarely saw under Murray. Being useless on the ice leads to seeing the ice less and accordingly Sutter put Stoll on the third line. Huzzah!. Loktionov, who wasn’t fantastic but was certainly better than pointless got bumped up to play with Richards and Penner. So imagine my chagrin when on the Kings late boob I see Stoll skating with Richards and Penner once again. The boob did nothing but suck the energy out of the Kings bench and the building and Stoll, in the biggest impact he would have all night, took a high sticking penalty.

Should I also harp on Quick? Perhaps, but he slashed Daniel Winnik really hard, and while it was blatantly stupid, it was also highly amusing. Winnik deserved it, fuck him. None of the goals he gave up were particularly soft, though he probably should have come out to the top of the crease on the third goal and in retrospect a poke check was the wrong move against Cody McLeod’s breakaway. By no means Quick’s best effort, and Giguere outplayed him, but this game wasn’t lost on goaltending. It just didn’t help matters at all.

Hey! Let’s talk about the positives.

The first line still looked strong. Kopi was pretty awesome. Also, I got to see Heidi Androl and she was as pleasant at ever to gaze upon. That now concludes the evening’s positives.

The fourth line was OK in what few shifts they seemed to get. Though I still don’t know what Hunter does on this team.

Truly the best thing I can say about this game is that if Brown’s redirection off Kopi’s brilliant pass in the third goes two inches to the right, we probably at least get another point. But you make your own luck. You play like morons you don’t deserve luck.

Did Drew Doughty play?

Hey Lombardi, time to get Loki and Richards some wingers.

Bitter.

Angry.

I haven’t forgotten that series.

No L.A. Kings player on our current roster was a King then. But plenty of fans at Staples Center were there. Only career Avalanche Milan Hejduk is a remnant from the 2001 series.

May Rob Blake go to the Hockey Hell of Inflame where, every February, he must rip out his heart in protest and wads of cash take its place over the ensuing 12 months until a new one grows back.

Bitter.

Angry.

Eventually, I will get over that series. That game 7. Rob Blake’s existence. For now, each time I see that Avalanche jersey, I want to take a piss…on it.

We lost to these pricks 3-2 on October 30 and 2-1 on January 2, the latter in a shootout.

I am fucking tired of the shootout.

No more.

I want Colorado and their degenerate fan base leaving Staples Center soundly defeated and resigned that whatever good fortune or supernal pig skin intervention helped their football sports franchise will rebound and the inverse condemnation will decimate them in everything puck.

I want a fucking regulation win.

This is your open forum…

Darryl Sutter has a deep, reverberating voice.

He has unusual facial expressions that amuse, bemuse (if you have no sense of humor) and invoke wonder.

His answers to questions are short and blunt.

He doesn’t care for the media but tolerates them.

He doesn’t call out players in the media. He protects them.

He is intense, vocal and hands on with his team.

He is a farmer, used to shit under his finger nails and hard manual labor.

He isn’t scared of you. He could give a damn if you disagree with him. And that especially includes those who wear press passes or consider themselves insiders.

He is that grandfather you dig…but who can also snap a man’s neck in three seconds.

He is honest…no cliches. No answer he gives to a direct question sounds like an answer to a different question. There is no politics in Darryl Sutter. There is no filter.

Darryl Sutter isn’t Voss. He is tap water. He isn’t Châteauneuf-du-Pape. He is grape juice. He isn’t Johnny Walker Blue Label. He is Jack Daniels.

Darryl Sutter isn’t a suit, a tie, a face or a sound bite.

In Los Angeles, where so much of what we see is glitz, glamour, extreme wealth followed by decimating poverty, selfishness, greed, lust and gluttony, Darryl Sutter brings substance over style, passion over posturing, inspiration over adulation.

The players love him because he, like most hockey players at their core, are crass, politically incorrect soldiers who live for the fight and the victories. He motivates when our last coach couldn’t and, by his own admission, wouldn’t. Stoic? Fuck stoic. You’re going to know exactly what is on Darryl Sutter’s mind. Those facial expressions you love match perfectly with his vocabulary. What may seem obtuse to some is actually brilliant in its simplicity because he isn’t trying to be anything other than himself…and “himself” works. It’s what he knows.

While we focus on the L.A. Kings’ play on the ice and the tweaks and adjustments Sutter has made to the product we see, let’s understand why he works.

This is a guy born to coach. He should have never become a GM.

I am a fan.

GO KINGS!

Since we are on the subject, Voynov puts more weight behind his shots than Penner puts into the maple syrup bottle to squeeze out those last few drops. His shot is heavier than your average Texan. I kind of want to see him set up at the dots on the PP, let Richards run the point.

Penner played pretty well. Most of the team played well. No one played poorly. However I can’t say I noticed Trent Hunter on the ice more than twice and yet I noticed Clifford and Fraser constantly.

On a similar note, when did Richards become the weak link on his line? OK I suppose by his high standard he played poorly. But this has become his standard over the past several games. Could it be a bona fide slump? On this Kings team? Never.

Iginla wants to hump Dustin Brown. The refs also want to see Iginla hump Brown.

The Flames play the kind of hockey that makes casual fans watch less hockey.

Olli Jokinen is still really stupid looking from over 100 feet away. Ok I knew that one already.

The Kings do well when they make quick decisions on offense. They do poorly when they apply the same concept to their breakout passing.

Lewis is lots of fun to watch when he hits people.

I can see Loktionov’s confidence in his shoulders. I mean that quite literally. My trade deadline wish is for him to get this year’s version of the Frederik Modin trade. Get that boy a big bodied steely eyed veteran who loves the front of the net and you’ll have to start questioning which is our second line and which is our third.

I like Bailey. But I don’t like Bailey when he comes to my section and everyone stands in the middle of play.

Williams has his mojo back. I know this happened last game but I didn’t get to see that game so for me, it happened this game.

The Kings need to work on their 3-2 rushes and their 2-1 rushes when one man is leading the other by more than 2 strides.

Jack Johnson is a different player under Sutter, in a good way.

Sometimes I like not noticing Doughty all that much. Perhaps he is learning that from Scuderi.

Willie Mitchell is all that. He ate the chips and shoved the bag down your throat.

I think Staples Center has gotten colder. I noticed this at the Columbus game, thought it was a fluke but it has continually been colder. Maybe this a response to how many players complain about the shitty ice. Maybe my internal body temperature has forgotten its homeostatic happy place.

I think Scribe’s three stars are Brown, Voynov and Quick. I know he wants to refs from this game to see some stars. I recall a sentence during intermission beginning with the phrase “fucking French Canadian refs”. I just checked. I was close, his three stars were Brown, Voynov and Loktionov. Mine were Loktionov, Lewis and Voynov.

I bet Hammond’s key of threes are some facsimile of ‘Flames defense good’, ‘Kings offense not so good’ and ‘Sometimes hockey plays affect the outcome of the game’. Speaking of “The Key Three”, I believe that Hammond learned to misuse words from Terry Murray. Key is to adjective as compete is to noun. I should start using fuck fuck a preposition so I can fit in. Not a typo, fuck you can see fuck you’re paying attention.

I hate the shoot out more and more each time I see it. I hate it even more when it is the most exciting part of the game.

I hate that Quick got beaten by the same move twice, but I like that it means nothing come playoff time.

Hey, we got another point. And San Jose lost.

File this one under forgettable.

My absence isn’t that I no longer attend Monarchs games. It isn’t that I’ve grown to love the Monarchs any less. It’s not that I don’t have any tidbits to share from the jungle. It’s certainly not that there haven’t been any nail-biting moments to wax poetic about.

I think the better people to ask about there whereabouts are the guys on the team roster.

After a slow start in October, the Monarchs racked up quite the record over the months of November and December, 8-2-0-1 and 7-3-0-1 respectively, which put them on the fast track to the top of their division. A rag-tag group of newbies and veterans finally seemed to have found their groove. Goal-tending was solid, defense was keeping the crease clear of shenanigans, and the snipers were firing on all cylinders. Since the clock struck 12:01 am on January 1st, oddly, that team has been missing.

In January, the guys have somehow given up a handful of games against teams that, on-paper, can’t even hold a candle to their talent. What’s wrong with the Monarchs? If I knew the answer to that question, I would feel obligated to share that with coach Morris so he can fix it. I am a fair-weather fan by no stretch of the imagination, but it is damn frustrating as a season ticket holder watching them tumble.

This past weekend, a very scary moment took place in a back-and-forth affair with division rival the Portland Pirates. In an unnecessary and reckless act, Pirates captain Dean Arsene drilled a streaking Robbie Czarnik just south of the blue line; spinning in the air, he was out cold before he hit the ice, his helmet popped off, and the arena fell silent. For what seemed like an eternity, the medics were out on the ice tending to the unconscious Monarchs winger. The stretcher came out and they carefully carted him off the ice as the crowd all stood and clapped.

When the same thing happened to Boston Bruins phenom Nathan Horton, the Bruins turned around what looked like an un-winnable series. It galvanized their resolve. For one hot minute, I thought maybe it would have the same effect on the struggling Monarchs.

Rather than turning it around though, they only fell farther behind and eventually lost the game (including a stinging empty-net goal). It was almost as though his condition was symbolic of their desire to win.

I’m hoping that this weekend the guys will be able to pull out a win in any of the three very tough games ahead – one against the Wilkes-Barre/Scranton Penguins and two against the Hershey Bears – but only time will tell. While they have record of 1-1-0 this season against the Penguins, this weekend’s back-to-back will be their first meeting with the 2011-2012 Bears.

But you know, not everything is all doom and gloom in the jungle. Although the team has had a hard time pulling together as a unit, there have been strong individual efforts. If you haven’t heard, Monarchs net-minder Jeff Zatkoff was named the Reebok/AHL goaltender of the month for the month of December. With the season in full-swing, Zats has been making big saves look easy. It’s this amazing effort that also got him nominated for the AHL All-Star team for the first time.

He will be joined in Atlantic City for the AHL All-Star festivities by feisty D-man Thomas Hickey who – at the time of his nomination – was leading the Monarchs with a plus-11 rating.

The new players who were signed in the absence of Loktionov and Voynov (still on-loan to your Kings), J.D. Watt and Chris Cloud, have both been making positive contributions. Watt has recorded 1 goal, 1 assist and 13 penalty minutes in 11 games, and Cloud has been stepping up as an unlikely enforcer, recording 19 penalty minutes in 8 games. The Monarchs’ game has always been underlined by gritty play and intimidation. To that end, these two are fitting right in.

So what lies ahead for the Monarchs? One of my fellow season ticket holders said something to me after the team’s loss on Sunday against the Pirates that reminded me of a fact I had forgotten. The last time the Monarchs lost 5 or 6 straight games, they went on to win 8 or 9 straight.

Is a rebound streak like that on the horizon?

I sure as heck hope so!

Go Monarchs!

As we recall from the Kings sound thumping of the Flames only 4 days ago, no one wanted to ask about the elephant in the room, that two storied brothers faced off in a head-to-head match of venom and bile. Reporters tried their best not to mention this tenuously strained relationship and its implications on the ice, sure to result in brutal fisticuffs between the two bench bosses, but Darryl and Brent Sutter couldn’t help themselves and extolled to reporters how much more important games between the Flames and the Kings are now.

From the LAKingsOutsider:

Question: Do you think the Flames will be looking for payback because the Kings snapped Calgary’s unbeaten home winning streak?

Darrly Sutter: “Of course Brent is looking for payback. He’s always been the uglier brother. People have often compared me to Sloth from The Goonies. Well if I’m Sloth then Brent is Darth Vader without his helmet. Brent’s been looking for payback ever since Momma Sutter used up the last of the good looks on me and Brian.

From The Calgary Unheralded:

Question: What is your strategy going into tonights game?

Brent Sutter: “Well, when we were kids Darryl was very protective of the goats. So tonight my strategy is to fornicate with a goat throughout the duration of the game. It’s not going to be easy, the boys are going to have to screw as a team. I only managed to get 4 of Darryl’s goats so we’re gonna have to manage our shifts carefully and go hard out there and not give up when they push back.

The two coaches will assuredly hold a special talk with their respective players before the game tonight. I managed to get a transcript of Darryl’s speech he plans to give before the puck drops.

Darryl: “So listen boys, most games aren’t very important. Most games, win, lose, whatever. But this game is different. Tonight we face my brother, Brent, on our home ice. You know what that means? Cattle. That’s right cattle. Anytime two Sutter brothers face off there are cattle at stake. Winner takes all the cattle on the farm. So don’t win this one for yourselves. Don’t even win it for me. Win it for Bessy and Bertha and all the other Milked Mounties of Alberta. Not only that, a new tradition will be started. Since we don’t have traditions like other teams who pass around a hat or some such after the game, from now on the team’s best player will get to milk those cows! Now tell me you want to win tonight! For Sutter pride, for those graceful beasts and, I suppose if you are the kind of city folk that cares about these things, for points in the standings.”

Rumor has it that Brent Sutter has a similar message for his team but his involves a cattle prod and brand. Dean Lombardi was pissed when he heard about Brent branding his players. He’d spent so much money on tattoos he kicked himself for not thinking of this much cheaper and less time consuming solution. As it turns out Jerome Iginla didn’t appreciate being asked to take the mark of property, while fellow teammate Olli Jokinen asked for an extra brand, having the number ’13′ burned into the flesh of his white ass as a ‘fuck you’ to Mike Cammalleri

Sorry. I haven’t written for almost a week so I’m rusty and forget how these things are supposed to go. I know threes are involved. Scribe’s three stars, some grammatically abhorrent nonsense about key three, Mike Richards being three sheets to the wind away from a dry island.

Oh wait, those are things that happen after the game.

For now this is just another open forum. See you at Staples.

Go Kings Go!

Right Wing:
Ales Hemsky
Teemu Selanne
Brad Boyes
Ales Kotalik

These are your “rentals” for potential top 6 wings. Selanne is crossed out due to the duh factor. I didn’t bother including Ryan Smyth. He is allergic to the L.A. lifestyle or at least his wife may be. Remove Boyes and Kotalik because they suck and you have a list that includes Semin, Parise, Kostitsyn, Whitney and Hemsky.

Slim pickings but good players in there.

Any of these players will cost at minimum a 1st round pick and a prospect. From there, Semin and Parise would cost more.

I don’t want Hemsky because Surly’s screams from 315 could cause Ales to pull a groin or separate a shoulder.

If Phoenix is out of the running, Whitney could go. Would Dean trade for a pure rental and little chance of re-signing? Weren’t we in the hunt for him before he signed in Phoenix? I cannot recall. I can see this happening if the Coyotes are outside looking in.

Kostitsyn would come with his entourage of Russian…suits and I wonder if he is a Dean Lombardi type of player. Still, he has talent. I am struggling with this one. How would he look on Loktionov’s right instead of Trevor Lewis? Hmm…

Alexander Semin. A pure sniper. What would the Capitals want? The 1st and prospect we talked about and a roster player? It all comes down to price here. If Semin can be had for a reasonable one, I actually think Dean pulls the trigger.

Zach Parise. Deep breath. The rumors of Detroit being very interested in him makes me ill. Watching Parise in another shade of red except in our conference may drive me to hate him. We have discussed Parise to the L.A. Kings enough, no? An exceptional player with all of the skill and character you would want and who could in the PTME (post Terry Murray era) catapult us to contender status. A boy can dream.

Of course, we could also tweak the bottom six and do nothing else. We could trade for something other than a rental. So many options there to discuss. Or we could do nothing and be happy with what we have.

Thoughts?

The Kings 5 on 5 failed in nearly every respect to generate quality scoring chances and getting the puck down low. Yeah, we got shots on goal but you know and I know shots from the perimeter and the point are low percentage and, unless your name is Terry Murray, you realize that an offense built around that is based on chance, hope and a prayer and is ill-equipped for scoring on any consistent basis.

I promise you, I assure you, Terry Murray will claim that we played well, we tried real hard, he liked the effort, etc. That is because Terry Murray looks at a game where there are shots on goal, despite the goal total, and there is cycling and a “heavy” game along the boards as a success regardless of the result. I promise you Terry Murray doesn’t think much needs to change on the offensive side of things. What Terry doesn’t know and will never say is that despite the 3-2 score, we were really never in it…and we can thank Jonathan Quick for only three goals against.

There was a time we could not keep up with the Canucks. We had to slow the play down to have a chance.

Now we skate with them.

Now we skate by them.

Now they chase us.

Now we are the skilled team they should fear.

4-1.

3-2.

7 goals to 3 in two games against the Canucks. I like the sound of that.

Before we get to the game, let me take a moment to thank the Hockey Gods for a very underrated player who is fast becoming one of my consistent favorites – Rob Scuderi. He doesn’t overpower. He doesn’t out skate. Against top forwards, he won’t out skill. But does he ever outsmart. A defenseman who almost always finds himself in the correct place on the ice to force forwards to the outside, take away passing lanes, get the inside step and position down low and every once in a while play goaltender is a jewel. Rob Scuderi may have saved this game in overtime but for the 60 + minutes before that play, he was the picture of defensive acumen.

Give credit to RubberToe Luongo for a well-played 65. Quickie probably wants that first goal back. Short side, no traffic, but as has become customary and almost expected with Jonathan Quick, he made some incredible saves throughout the game.

I loved every second of this hockey game’s 65 minutes. I cursed, yelled and protested to those same Hockey Gods when it had to conclude with the shootout.

Justin Williams was in beast mode.

Anze Kopitar is an all-star. Fuck the voting and the voters, Canadian homers and the entire province City of Ottawa can eat a dead man’s dick.

Dustin Penner scored a goal.

The powerplay produced yet again. I like Jamie Kompon being forbidden to talk to the players. That Darryl Sutter is one smart guy. Did you catch his very timely timeout? Good coaching. Awareness.

Did you complain, “Mike Richard in the shootout? Oh, come on!” followed by “MIKE RICHARDS! YEAH BABY!” Admit it…

That first period was something special. A preview perhaps of how dominant we can be in the post Murray era. An argument perhaps that this team has the skill to make the playoffs and go deep. I know, I want another left wing too. Maybe more than I want Zooey Deschanel.

I will not see Underworld Awakening unless Kate Beckinsale makes a personal visit to my dungeon in the mood for a little pain. I don’t give a damn how much the organization oversells it.

Psst…I told you fearing the Canucks was loser talk.

Around the league, Detroit beat Dallas 3-2 and San Jose beat Calgary 2-1, both in a…mother sutting shootout.

Score one for the Province:

If the Canucks came out any flatter Tuesday, Dustin Penner would have eaten them.

Hey losers, we outplayed you. You ain’t all that.

My Three L.A. Kings Stars:

3. Rob Scuderi

2. Anze Kopitar

1. Justin Williams

Suck it Vancouver.

GO KINGS!

One of them is hearing or reading things like the L.A. Kings better be careful (or better be on their game) because the Vancouver Canucks are coming into tonight’s match pissed off after shitting the bed against Anaheim. As if a pissed off versus a pissed on Vancouver Canucks team is going to make a difference in how the L.A. Kings prepare for the game or approach it.

It’s ignorant talk.

Sutter: Well boys, Vancouver is coming in pissed off. I guess that means the game plan is out today.

Several Players: Oh no, coach! What do we do?

Sutter: I don’t know. Jamie, what do you think?

Kompon: You said I wasn’t allowed to talk to the players anymore.

Sutter: I did say that…Bernie, any thoughts?

Nicholls: What? Sorry, I was googling a picture of Matt Greene’s girlfriend…Greener, nice buddy. Very nice.

Sutter: Let me see that later. John? Any ideas?

Stevens: What would Surly & Scribe tell us to do?

Greene: Break heads…

Johnson: Have the Sisters spitting blood…

Williams: Put Burrows’ face through Luongo’s ass…

Kompon: Fire me…sorry, I just wanted to feel involved.

Voynov:  надрать задницу чертов!

Loktionov: Exactly!

Richards: [whispering to Kopi] who the fuck are Surly & Scribe?

Quick: Fuck Vancouver! I am Jonathan Mother Fucking Quick!

Johnson: [offended]

Clifford: Let’s kick some fucking ass!

Players: [rising up] Yeah!!

GO KINGS GO!

GO KINGS GO!

GO KINGS GO!

First off, I want to take a moment to really thank Surly and Scribe for letting me post articles on their site. Although I may question their judgment in doing so, I admire their courage in letting my voice join theirs in this way. Actually, in all seriousness, I am very flattered that I have been allowed to publish my thoughts here, as this site is well-respected and deservedly so. I hope it will be a good fit, and I will try to equal their standards. Thank you, guys, thank you very much. And now, to the article…

It may seem early to talk about the King’s playoff chances, but remember, this is January, and it is nearing the time for the annual streak-fest. No, I am not talking about running naked down the halls of a dorm; that was expunged anyway. I am talking about the Kings’ winning and losing streaks.

If anything, this is a very streaky team, and not just in winning and losing games. Even in penalty kills, and shutouts, and winning with a lead after two periods, mad-skill streaks happen there, too. If this team is ever able to sustain a streak and then only maintain an average pace when the streak is broken, they could probably contend for President’s trophy winners… But for now let’s just focus on the wins and losses.

Last year, the Kings’ fateful home stand started December 30, with the Kings losing 6 of 8. Then they had the February stretch of 10 consecutive road games, and went 6-4, beating the Caps, Flyers and Blue Jackets in a row but also losing to awful teams such as Minnesota and the Islanders. Then they had two 4-game winning streaks in March - one, a sweep of a 4-game home stand and the other starting with a 3-game road sweep.

In 2009-1010, the Kings started a streak on January 21 of winning 9 games in a row, sweeping a 5-game roadie (remember that Simmonds backhand thru Brodeur, hitting a hole no more than 1 ½ pucks wide?) and then also sweeping a 3-game home stand.

But also, this is the same team that needed those improbable winning streaks to squeak into the playoffs. The 2009-2010 team that won 9 in a row thru February also lost 5 of 7 in early March, then 4 in a row in late March. Those same 09-10 Kings also didn’t win a single game for the entire second half of February, either. (But that was cuz of the Olympics, just messin’ wit yuzz) The 2010-2011 Kings had those 4-game winning streaks in March, but also had a 2 and 10 record from December 29 thru January 20, and had to finish 22-8-5 for their playoff spot.

My reason for pointing out these streaks, both good and bad, is to highlight the time of year. Forget Halloween; for the Kings, this is witching season. Somebody needs to kill a chicken and dance around a bonfire soon, because this year a losing streak might very well kill any playoff hopes, and a winning streak is more unlikely than in past years.

As of this writing, (before the Calgary game) the Kings have played 26 home games and only 17 roadies; that leaves only 15 homers but 24 roadies. If there is gonna be a streak, it is most likely to be the kind we really don’t like.

Looking at the standings, and more closely at the other contenders, the picture does not brighten. Forget the Conference title; Vancouver leads it now by 9 points over the Kings, and they have 22 home games left and only 15 roadies.

San Jose has 3 more points and 4 games in hand; at least they only have 18 home games and 24 road games to go, so there may be slight hope of a Division win. Very slight, but why not be a dreamer?

As for the playoff contenders, it breaks down like this:
Chicago – 7 point lead, 16 home, 22 road games left
Detroit – 5 point lead, 22 home, 17 road games left
Nashville – 2 point lead, 18 home, 22 road games left
Minnesota – tied in points, 21 home, 18 road games left
PunkAss Dallas – 1 point behind, 20 home, 20 road games left
Colorado – 2 points behind, 17 home, 21 road games left
Calgary – 3 points behind, 21 home, 16 road games left
Phoenix – 3 points behind, 22 home, 15 road games left.
Kings – again, 15 home, 23 road games left.

Without Vancouver and San Jose, there are 9 teams fighting for 6 spots. Only three of those 9 have more road games than home, besides us, and one of them is Chicago. We are not likely to beat Chicago’s point total anyway, so of the remaining 8 teams fighting for 5 spots, only L.A., Colorado and Nashville have more road than home games.

So far, Colorado is 10-9-2 on the road. Nashville is 11-8-1. The Kings are 13-10-3. I see no significant offset to the advantage these teams have on us, with Colorado having 2 more home games and Nashville having 3 more home games remaining than the Kings. A losing streak this year would probably be devastating against these teams, and they are the ones we have the best chance of beating out for a playoff spot.

Calgary and Phoenix are behind us in points now, but Calgary has 6 more home games left than the Kings, and Phoenix has 7 more than the Kings. A losing streak would probably be devastating against these teams, also.

Dallas has a balanced schedule with 20 at home and 20 on the road, but they still have 5 more home games left than the Kings. A losing streak would probably be devastating against Dallas, too.

Even Minnesota, who seems to be returning to the expected place in the standings having dropped from Conference best (I think league best at one point, not sure) still has 6 more home games than we do. A losing streak would probably be devastating regarding this team, too.

There is just no tolerance this year for a 4-game or more losing streak. Of course, it could happen and the Kings could rebound with a prolonged winning streak to offset the losses, but this year is different. There are just too many road games to count on winning streaks to get into the playoffs. If the required total is 96 points, the Kings need, already, 46 points from 38 games; that is gonna be tough enough with all the road games, a losing streak would make it just too much to ask for. If a team needs a record of something like 21-13-4, or 22-12-3, there just isn’t a whole lot of room for 4 or 5-game losing streaks.

Let’s hope the Kings can indeed put together similar late-season winning streaks, and maybe even clinch a position early enough to shift focus a little before the playoffs begin. But if not, steady as she goes will still be fine, as long as the team doesn’t allow consecutive losses numbering above 3.

Anze Kopitar went into beast mode during parts of that third period.

The main thing missing tonight from the L.A. Kings offense was sustained pressure. We had it in spurts during the second and third but, unlike the games against Vancouver, Washington and Calgary, the attack mentality (the replacement for the now dead, buried and pissed on its grave “shot mentality”) was not present throughout most of the game.

Side note: What is it with our first periods? It’s like all the players channel their inner Doughty.

Speaking of Drew Doughty, he managed to provide plenty of material to his detractors with that abortion of a performance. Hey, what do you expect for a lousy $7 million? Our reader, player-x, has already written most of his next article in his head. Reader JT is preparing his rebuttal.

Dustin Penner’s game is improving. Unfortunately, it is improving at such a slow pace that he may be good by the time the Kings have committed to not re-signing him.

Jarret Stoll. Where have your hands gone?

What a pass by Horcoff on that OT winner. Bastard.

Have you noticed how politely Oilers fans sit in their arena and watch the game? They are like Ducks fans, except smarter and Canadian.

When Jim Fox was interviewing Ryan Smyth between periods, I kept waiting for Foxy to ask Smyth where the Doors’ song “L.A. Woman” ranks on his favorite’s list…that kind of thing doesn’t happen in real life though.

Theo Peckham is not a hockey player’s name. That is the name  of a New York Jewish deli owner’s son. Waiting for Surly to lash out in 3…2…1…

Someone in the arena threw a drink or something at Darryl Sutter after the game. I thought the Sutters were deity in Alberta? I approve Texas style justice for that infidel.

Fox Sports West is not a sports station. No sports station covers a hockey game and then within one minute of its conclusion breaks away to an irrelevant roundtable discussion among three idiots about college football. When will Surly & I own our own cable channel so we can bring you L.A. Kings hockey coverage the way the Hockey Gods intended it? Think the Man Show, South Park & L.A. Kings hockey all married into one.

For all of you who are angry or depressed about tonight’s loss: Megan Fox. I assume it works just as well for the ladies or, at least, the kind of ladies we like the most around these parts.

Enough of this. We got a fucking point. Moving on…

Scribe’s Three L.A. Kings Stars:

3. Slava Voynov

2. Anze Kopitar

1. Jonathan Quick